One Doing The Work of Two

I recently asked our fb readers if there was any particular topic they'd like explored or discussed on the blog.  I received a cute reply:

 "Single" parenting while they are gone...what do you do when all your kids can't seem to keep their hands off their siblings??? lol, this has been a week to remember!" 

In a phone conversation I had with John recently, I was expressing a similar frustration, and he said it so succinctly.  "You're one person doing a two person job."

Some days I can't get enough of my kids.  I just want to spend the whole day cuddling, kissing and playing.  Other days, I find myself watching the clock like a crazy person and fighting the urge to have a meltdown and throw a temper tantrum of my own.  On normal days, your Soldier can provide regular relief.  Even if that relief comes in the form of a 5 minute bereave in which you sit in your bedroom in peace.  Some nights, John didn't get home in time to see the kids before bedtime, but even then, he provided me with relief.  Adult conversation is vital to a mother's sanity; especially if that mother is a stay-at-home mom.  It's not just the conversation (although that's wonderful) it's the interaction, the intimacy, the entire experience of enjoying one another's company.  It's hard being away from your best friend for extended amounts of time, frequently.  

Everyone has emotional needs which need to be met.  Parents have to worry about the needs of their spouse, the needs of their children, and of course, their own.  When your husband is home, you can share the responsibility of your child's emotional needs.  Between the two of you, you can make sure everyone's emotional needs are being met in a proper and timely manner.  But when he's away for either training or deployment, the buck stops with mom.  The day in, day out, never ceasing, crushing, sometimes overwhelming, responsibilities of parenthood rest squarely on mom's shoulders.  Is it any wonder that some days, you feel like you're drowning in motherhood?

Firstly, if you're excessively worrying about the emotional needs of your solider, stop immediately!  There's really only so much you can do for him, after all.  Let's be clear.  I'm not suggesting you abandon him.  By all means, send him packages, talk to him as often as possible, confide and trust one another with your problems, talk about your days, etc.  But, your husband has an entire network of fellow Soldiers, a band of brothers, to share burdens, laughs, trials and life with while he's absent.  There needs to be a healthy balance, and your Solider shouldn't, in turn, abandon you emotionally, but that is for another day.

Secondly, revert back to advice you were given when your little ones were newborns.  Didn't everyone tell you that you couldn't take care of anything if you weren't first taking care of you?  This doesn't just apply to new moms, you know.  This applies to everyone.  We all know it.  That's why the Self Help section at Barnes & Noble is so large.  Diversity is a beautiful thing.  We all unwind differently.  What helps you to find your inner peace when the house and the kids are falling apart around you?  As for me, I have found the crib to be a mother's best friend.  If your kids are still young enough for a crib, don't feel guilty if you need to give yourself a timeout.  The crib is a great option because they can't get hurt, and your house won't get hurt either as you retreat to the tub or bedroom for a few minutes of stolen serenity.  If your kids are too old for a crib, try putting a movie on, or sending them outside to play while you watch them from the peace of your empty house, sipping on a hot chocolate or lemonade.  If none of these are viable options, or they're not working, then use my all-time favorite.  Early bed time.  I've found my kids are the most cranky when they're overtired.  How do I resolve this?  Early bed time.  Contrary to belief, sending them to bed early will not necessarily mean they wake up early the next day.  They're overtired for a reason.  They need to recover sleep, and I've never had this plan backfire on me yet.

Thirdly (and lastly) take care of your children's needs to the best of your ability.  Newsflash, some days your abilities are better than others.  Don't compare yourself to other moms, just concentrate on being the best you.  Porter acts out when he's overtired, yes, but also when he hasn't had enough attention.  Granted, he's 2, so his idea of attention and mine don't always coincide, but you can generally gauge how much is too much and what's not enough.  Even if you're cleaning your house on a daily basis (See To DITY or Not to DITY) there will be plenty of days where dishes cover the countertops, none of the beds are made, and toys litter the floor.  As tempting as it can be to leave the kids to their own devices so you can catch up on household duties, ignore the urge every now and again.  All of the chores will still be there (unfortunately) but your kids will only be little for so long.  Before too long, they'll be asking you for advice on how to deal with kids of their own.  Take the time to read to them, to dance and to go on walks.  It'll help with their cabin fever.  Finally, Talk about Daddy a lot.  Sometimes, I'll just google images of Soldiers and look at them with Porter.  It doesn't matter that he thinks everyone is Daddy. It's simply a daily reminder that he has a dad and that he loves him.

So that brings us to the final question.  What do you do when your kids won't get along?  I know how it feels to be the sole disciplinarian.  In a word?  It sucks.  By the end of the day, I'm so tired of hearing myself say "no" repeatedly.  I'm sick of chastising, correcting and playing judge.  I read in a parenting book, that you should actually stay out of your children's fights as much as possible.  You should teach them correct behaviors, but let them put them in practice.  Newsflash, they're not going to get it right 9 times out of 10, but you should still let them swim on their own.  Let them resolve situations alone.  Let them deal with the consequences of their resolutions.  Obviously, intervention is necessary eventually, but don't rush to resolve every fight every time.

So, the kids have been at it for a while, and there's now an escalation of violence.  What do you do?  This is my most favorite option. They call it "The Get Along Shirt"

(as a side note, I love how the boy is thrilled to be wearing it...)

The idea of the shirt is what makes it so genius.  In life, we're forced to make nice and get along.  This is about teaching them to suck it up, and be nice, even when it's not what they feel.  It's a tangible consequence you can enact when fighting erupts.  Growing up, my mom used to make us sing "Love At Home" from the LDS Hymnbook.  You can also take away privileges.  Be clear as to what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  You could even let the kids take part in choosing the consequences for misbehavior.  They have a tendency to choose harsher punishments than parents do, and when the time comes for them to be punished, they can't complain because they chose their own form of justice!

And then, of course, there's Time Out. This method has been used in practice for several hundred years.  In Medieval times, Society even instituted the Time Out as a reliable method of resolution.  

What I want do when my kids are acting out....

What I do until John builds me some Stocks....

Remember, if everything fails, early bed time it is!

Project Rudolph

   As we begin this Holiday Season, we should never forget that there are those who cannot come home to be with their loved ones.  It doesn't require much effort to get involved and send some Holiday Cheer to those we love on the front lines.  Even if you don't know anyone personally, they fight for you nonetheless.
   My cousin's wife and her students, do great work with Project Rudolph.  It's a wonderful program designed to show love and support for our Troops throughout the Holidays by providing deployed units with Holiday gift bags, in an attempt to provide them with some cheer, comfort, joy and love to sustain them as they leave their families and loved ones behind.
   Project Rudolph needs help not only in support and letter writing, but also in knowing who needs some holiday cheer.  I know the Holidays are a busy time for everyone, but please take a few minutes out of your day to look at this website explaining all about Project Rudolph and Operation Angel.  So many people say they support the Troops.  Now's your chance to actually do something about it this Holiday Season!

Life of Pi

   John says I have a nose for picking out books which are eventually made into movies.  And it's absolutely true.  Don't ask me how...because I honestly couldn't tell you.
  My apologies on this long overdue post.  Porter effectively broke my laptop and life has been busy as we prepare for the Holidays.  If you find you have a few minutes to spare, or perhaps to unwind at the end of the night, I would recommend: "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel.  This is a fantasy adventure novel, published in 2001.  It's not your typical fantasy however (there are no witches or magic).  I actually thought it was based upon real events when I first read it in 2008.
  This is a story of 16 year old Piscine Patil in which he's shipwrecked and stranded on a lifeboat with a bengal tiger for 227 days.  You may wonder how on earth an author could find enough material to write 400 pages worth of brilliant story line, but he does it and does it amazingly well.
  The book was recently made into a movie, and was released today, November 21, 2012.  I have yet to see the movie, but by all accounts, it looks like a fair presentation of what I fell in love with 4 years ago.  As always, this is a book about the human condition, and it is told beautifully and powerfully.  It resonates with the reader by invoking timeless questions and life lessons.  There's a truth to be found in its pages, and it is one which the reader won't help but admire.
  Do yourself a favor and read "Life of Pi".  It is one of my favorites!

To DITY Or Not to DITY. That is the real question

We are all quite familiar with the phrase: "There are only two certainties in life.  Death and Taxes." If you're a Military family, you  can quite safely add "moving" to the list.  It's inevitable.  Do you cringe when your PCS orders arrive?  Do you dread the thought of packing and moving again?  Do you look around your home and feel helpless?  All of these feelings are absolutely normal and reasonable.  Especially since there's a good chance you'll be doing the work without the help of your man.  There's also the time old question: "To DITY or not to DITY?"  There are certainly advantages to both.  On the one hand, who doesn't like saving money? On the other, it's so wonderful to see someone else pack, ship and load/unload your belongings.  So what do you choose?!  Trust me, there is no wrong answer!  If you choose to have the Military move you, you have little work to do, outside cleaning your home.  My personal favorite option is a partial-DITY move.  I like to pack up and clean but let someone else do the heavy lifting and driving.  I like it because you still get paid for the work you saved the moving company (here is a great website to aid you in making the decision that is best for your family).

This post was inevitable, but I'm writing it now at the request of someone who likes our facebook page.  She asked: "Dear Jane.  I would love to see some information about moving...especially things we can do in between moves to make the next one easier."

What a fantastic question, Jennifer!  And I have some solid ideas and suggestions for you :)

Above all else, first and foremost, you should take the time to think about the specific problems you encountered from your last move.  Why were they problematic?  What could have been done differently and what was out of your control (i.e., gas prices, timeline, etc.)?  Then, go about fixing them!

John and I have been married for 5 years this December.  In that time, we've moved a grand total of 7 times (and only one of those moves was across town...).   My advice is based upon the last 5 years of moving experience:

START AS SOON AS YOU CAN
If you plan to do a DITY move, or a partial DITY, begin as soon as you can (like 2-3 months prior to the big day).  Slowly buy boxes.  There are a few ways to do this:
       * I recommend buying from Home Depot or Lowes because you can use your 10% Military Discount).    
       * You can also store the boxes used from a previous move (we've done this a couple of times, and it
          has been very successful).
      * Ask for boxes from your local businesses or search Craigslist for people who need to get rid of theirs.
         If you're on/near a Military base, there's always someone moving in that is anxious to part with their
         boxes.  Personally, I would rather just buy and keep my own boxes, because there are a lot of gross
         people out there with gross possessions and cockroaches and other pests... but if you want to (or need
         to) save money, then this is certainly the most economically sound option.
Once you begin to stockpile boxes, use them!  There are so many non-essential items that we have in our homes.  Simply go through a little each day or a few weeks at a time, and begin to box up those items you don't foresee needing in the next few months (i.e. books, pictures, decorations, camping/yard gear, etc.).  You'd be amazed at how much work this saves down the road.  It also helps to not get burnt out on packing in those last few weeks and days.  If space is an issue, have the boxes hug the walls in your home, or store them in your garage or basement.

CONSIDER SELLING POSSESSIONS
Again, just as you're moving off base, someone else is moving in.  Each house is different, so sometimes your furniture or decorations don't quite fit in the new place.  Consider selling them on Craigslist and local Facebook yard sale pages.  There are so many advantages to selling as much as you can before a move!
      * You'll have extra, unexpected cash in hand for your big day.  Moves have a lot of expensive surprises.
         It's nice and comforting to have a little padding in the account before, during and after a move.
      * Every little thing that someone carries out the front door, is one less thing you have to put on a moving
         truck.  This saves both time and money.
      * My favorite reason of all, you get to go shopping to decorate and furnish your new house!  Look on
         the positive side of moving every 2 to 5 years.  You can completely change your style every time you
         move!  You could even take the money made from your previous items and put them in a fund to
         replace them.
There's an art to selling your items on Craigslist.  I will be writing another post in the near-future about how to do this successfully and how to get top dollar for your things!

BUY AND STORE CONSCIENTIOUSLY: TUBS, TUBS, TUBS!
There will always be those sentimental items that people will ask "Why do you keep moving this?"  As a girl, we discovered trunks full of photographs, letters, clothes and uniforms, war medals, etc. from my Grandparents' youth.  It was thrilling to see yearbooks from their junior high days and see clothes my grandma wore when she was my age.  I vowed then that I would work to keep my very own "generation trunk" and I have.  It is full of letters, photographs, memories, report cards, essays, mementos, etc.  These are those priceless items that I insist on moving every time.  It's OK to have "useless" items with which you don't want to part.  However, storing them smartly is vital to a stress-free move!  I prefer to keep my memories in chests and trunks.  They're pretty and can hold a LOT of memories.  They can also serve double duty.  These can be at the foot of your beds, nestled under windows, or at the top of your stairs landing, used as a coffee or side table, this list goes on. Be creative!  Ask yourself what you don't want to part with, and then ask how you can use the storing of those items to your advantage.
  In the same vein: Holiday Decorations.  Who doesn't love them?!  Those are not generally the things we care to part with.  I recommend storing them in color coordinated tubs with pictures and labels on all 4 sides so they're easily spotted in a pile of storage and gear.  Invest in good, solid totes/tubs and take care to buy straight-edged ones, as they are stackable and moving friendly.
  Color coded and labeled tubs are not only useful for storing decorations, but also gear, workshop tools, Military essentials, camping supplies, etc.  They move well, won't break down over time like cardboard boxes, and the color coding is so incredibly helpful when you're moving and storing.  For example, John puts all of his Army things in Gray tubs.  Christmas Decorations are in bright red and dark green tubs, Halloween/Fall decorations in Orange tubs, Spring in a light green, Workshop in dark blue, etc.  It's all about saving time when you're looking for items and also when you're deciding what goes where when you're unloading a truck.
  Also, even if your tubs are stacked inside one another and stored until the next move, it's so wonderful to have designated tubs for your items so that you easily know where to find things and how/where to pack them when it comes time to move again.  When you purchase furniture for your home, ensure what you're bringing into the home is functional.  Our sofa table doubles as as a storage center for the toys (purchased fro Costco for only $129).  At our last move, the movers simply shrink wrapped the entire piece of furniture, so we didn't even have to pack or unload the toys!  Our nightstands are small dressers which hide clutter and can hold possessions as we move.  Always seek furniture which can serve you in both your home and your move.

CLEAN DAILY
I get it.  Cleaning is not exactly the most glamorous or enjoyable part of maintaining a nurturing and loving environment.  I'm sure you've all seen this:
Does this sound familiar?  You can get a lot of cleaning done in those 10 minutes, can't you?  It actually doesn't require much effort or time to keep your house looking clean and great all the time!  My secret, is a daily work chart.  I have a piece of paper on the fridge which correlates certain chores with the day of the week.  The whole purpose of this daily cleaning, is so that when the time comes to leave a home, we're not spending an exorbitant amount of time cleaning before we leave.
   Now, I don't work outside the home, so my list of chores may allow for more than others.  That's not the point.  The point is to do what you can!  Below is an example of what my week looks like:
MONDAY: Laundry (whites) Vacuum whole house, clean windows.  I also try to squeeze in a Legs workout and go swimming.
TUESDAY: Laundry (darks) Sweep/Mop whole house, yard work. Exercise: Arms & Spinning Class
WEDNESDAY: Laundry (colors) Bathrooms, Dusting. Exercise: Butt & Running
THURSDAY: Laundry (whites) Bedrooms, vacuum whole house. Exercise: Abs & Spinning Class
FRIDAY:  Laundry (darks) Kitchen, sweep/mop whole house. Exercise: Legs and Swimming
SATURDAY: Laundry (colors) wipe down walls, wipe baseboards and clean lights, odds and ends.  Exercise: Yoga and a family run or walk

By doing laundry, sorting mail and washing dishes on a daily basis, it doesn't get piled up.  A day-long chore becomes a 10 minute one done every day.  If you have children that are old enough to help with the chores, use them!  My oldest is 2, and he "helps" me with wiping walls, dusting, cleaning windows, and he helps me to unload the dish washer as well as setting the table at mealtimes.  I believe it's important that your kids know that taking care of a home requires their efforts too.  It will also help them to feel included in the family, as an important and vital piece of the family unit.  It will also cut down on your cleaning to-do checklist as you prepare to move, because you've been cleaning the house really well all along!

FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH THE REQUIREMENTS YOUR LANDLORD HAS PRIOR TO THE LEASE TERMINATION
There's nothing worse than being hit with unexpected surprises from your landlord as you prepare to leave. Be sure you understand your lease, and that they understand you're in the Military.  Generally, even in Military housing, it's required to provide a written 30 day notice prior to the move-out date.  However, orders are orders.  If push comes to shove, throw down the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act.  Ultimately, it says that no one can deny you services or discriminate against you due to your Military service.  I had to use this at my last place of residence as well as my current one.  It's a handy piece of information to know really well.  Don't be afraid to use it!

SET MONEY ASIDE
There will always be unexpected things that happen during a move which can be quite costly.  Perhaps your car breaks down as you're traveling to your new duty station.  Perhaps you have to pay for a hotel along the way.  Restocking a fridge and pantry is a costly business too, as well as inevitable.  There are an infinite amount of variables which can devastate the pocket book.  Set money aside long before your move so you're not stuck with a financial situation that will ruin you.

KNOW WHAT YOU'LL NEED UPON ARRIVAL, THEN KEEP IT WITH YOU!
John and I have a little portable file cabinet with all of our necessary and vital documents.  This also includes our dog's health certificate and paperwork.  This is one of the very last things loaded into the car, and it is with us at all times.  We also keep (or have money set aside to buy) with us some cleaning supplies, toilet paper,  paper towels/Clorox wipes, soap, disposable plates/bowls and silverware, towels, and basic toiletries.  If your items are on a truck, and you move in before they arrive, you want to be able to prepare for the arrival, and function at a basic level until you're settled.

TRAVEL SMART
Don't be a hero!  Take your time and stick to the Military's allotted 8 hour/day rule.  Especially if you have children!  I would recommend tentatively planning at which hotels to stay along the route.  I would recommend purchasing an RCA, Double screen DVD player for your car.  You can purchase them for under $100 and they can be a life saver with young kids when you're all stuck in a car for several hours over several days.  Also, consider purchasing a GPS (we bought a basic Tomtom for under $100).  Not only will this help you to not get lost, but will be vital to learning where things are when you arrive in a new town and on a new base.

Veteran's Day Discounts 2012

Veteran's Day will be celebrated on Monday, November 12th this year (since the 11th is on a Sunday).  Several restaurants have annual DISCOUNTS available to both veterans and Active Duty Military.  Simply show your ID card to receive the benefits!  Click here to see which establishments will be serving the Military Community this year!

Did you know?
Lowes and Home Depot offer a 10% Military Discount no matter the day?  Simply show your ID Card at Checkout!

Old Navy also has a 10% Military Discount (show your ID Card at Checkout).  However, each store  varies on when the Discount will be honored (some stores honor it 365 days a year, others will only honor the discount on Mondays, or the first four days of the month, etc.).  Be sure to ask your local Old Navy what days they'll honor the Military Discount!

Not sure what Stores/Restaurants offer a Military Discount? Then ASK!  
If you're not already in the habit of doing so, be sure to ask if the establishments you frequent offer any kind of Military Discount.  Always bear in mind that they are in no way obligated to do so!  When we begin to see Discounts as a right instead of a service, we become part of the problem.  I've been mortified to hear my husband jokingly call the poor Sales Girl at Dickie's a hippy for not having a Military Discount.  I'm glad to say, he no longer does this!  Always be gracious and thank them for the Discount.

Know of a Store/Restaurant that offers a Discount?
Please leave a Comment with the details!

Sympathy Pains

Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

Empathy (n): The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Compassion (n): sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.  

   Couvade Syndrome is when a man feels much of the same symptoms and behavior of his expectant partner (also known as sympathy pregnancy).  Reasons for this phenomenon vary.  Some say it's because the Man is jealous of the one-sided pregnancy and so they compensate by feeling pregnant alongside their companions (whether those symptoms are real or imagined, is arguable).  Others say it's because the emotional ties and bonds are so strong, that they acutely feel as their spouse does.  

   When you enter a military base, and you drive around the neighborhoods, the air is different.  It is filled with a sense of camaraderie, welcome and community.  The fierce loyalty is palpable.  Once you've lived with such a strong sense of family, it's hard to live anywhere else!

When misfortune befalls one soldier and his family, it befalls the entire community.  Your sorrows are shared.  Your happiness also.  Nowhere is this more true than when our loved ones return from deployment or long bout of training.  We have a tendency to feel sympathy deployments for our brothers and sisters in arms (as well as their families).  

   I recently had a brother-in-law return home to his beautiful wife and 3 little ones.  A good friend also returned home to his supportive and loving wife and 2 babies.  When they were deployed, the highs and lows of both the family and the soldiers were felt acutely in our own home.  We prayed daily for their safety and happiness.  When these men came back safely, it was as though I was being reunited with my own husband.  I felt giddy, excitable and anxious.  I found myself looking in earnest at the clock and tapping my toes.  

   This is a gift and a joy to experience.  This empathy and compassion which we hold for those we live, work, fight, love and (heaven forbid) die beside, is something not everyone gets to experience.  This intimacy and esteem for our band of brothers is a blessing and a joy.  This altruistic desire to lift one another's burdens and love unconditionally, lifts the soul and makes Military life possible.

   In the Civilian world, husbands and wives are rarely away from each other or the family for lengthy periods of time.  When my husband is away from home (as he has been these last 3 and a half months) people generally say the same two things: "You're a strong woman" and "I can't even imagine being away from my husband that long!"  I'm sure you've heard those comments and many more. But, if you say "my husband has been gone for 4 months" to another Military Spouse, she gives you that sincere look of sympathy and usually an "I'm sorry" along with "That sucks".  There's rarely a competition ("Oh, yeah?! Well, my husband has been gone for 8 months!" - although, there are people out there with that attitude...I know you've met the type!) but there's usually an offering of support, love and help.  

   When John first enlisted he was told, "You volunteered for this, but your family was drafted."  Isn't that the truth?!  I love this life, but it is a hard one; fraught with sacrifice, sorrow, and hardships as well as charity, happiness and blessings.  It is not just the effort of one man to serve his country, but the efforts of his family who stand behind him through thick and thin as well.  We do not do it because it is easy or fun.  We do it because we love the man in Uniform who stands between us and the rest of the World.  After a while, all of the Uniforms have a tendency to blend in with each other, so that even if it's not our man on the front line, we live, pray, and feel like it is.  

   My utmost gratitude and appreciation for those who have served and continue to do so.  For those who have had loved ones make the ultimate sacrifice, my heart is heavy for your family.  I am humbled by the people who surround us and make this world a better place.  To those who enter a storm of evil, hatred, and uncertainty so that we may live in this Chosen Land, I salute you.  God bless you (and your families, who sacrifice so much) this Veteran's Day. 

   I know everyone has found themselves watching those videos of Soldiers coming home and surprising their family members.  I know you cry (or feel like crying) and you feel a slice of what the family members feel as they once again embrace their loved ones after so many months of separation, doubt and longing.  There's nothing quite like a reunion after so many long months!